Depression Observations

Depressing weather brings thoughts of......what else.......depression!!

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Two years ago, I was diagnosed Bi-polar/Type 2 following an episode which I suppose in former times would have been termed a "nervous breakdown." I spent several days in a hospital psychiatric unit. After talks with the psychiatrist, and analyzing memories of past bad spells in my life, I realized I'd probably been struggling with this type of depression for many years. I hadn't known enough to take the problem to the doctor. When I would reach a point of collapse, my mom would come over and help with the kids for a few days, and I rested. Probably, rest was mainly what was needed, anyway, for I felt just totally depleted and drained during those times. In the hospital, I recall feeling like a deflated balloon.......flattened, like roadkill, or that "Flat Stanley" or whatever his name is who gets sent around the world by schoolchildren.

Once in a while, when I was a kid, I'd hear my mom mention in hushed tones that so-and-so had had a "nervous breakdown". I'd envision the person lying collapsed on the floor, quivering; I couldn't imagine what else a "nervous breakdown" could possibly be like.

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My parents would also speak of people being taken to the "Silo", that term being a corrupted form of the word "Asylum", which in our area means the Mental Health Institute in Independence, Iowa. Its eerie, gothic buildings were built in the 1800's, and I imagine anyone who "went crazy" or had a mental episode back then was taken to that spooky place, sometimes staying indefinitely. It gives me chills to think about it........I could have ended up at the "Silo"!!

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Actually, my parents each had a sibling who spent time in the "Silo".......I recall those times from when I was a kid. Now, after my own experiences with mental problems, I feel these aunts of mine were probably bi-polar, but misdiagnosed as schizophrenic, and put on scads of medications for the rest of their lives. A major depressive episode can include delusions, which mine did.......and it doesn't necessarily mean there's schizophrenia going on.

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After much pondering, I also wonder if the ones who "go crazy" do so as a result of trying to deal with the "normal" people in our lives. Since my breakdown, there are certain people-----close family members, even------who I must avoid spending much time with. I can just feel something adverse happening in my mind when I'm around them. If the person is someone I can't get away from, then I must construct a barrier in my mind and ignore certains aspects of the person. And, no doubt, there are things about me that others must ignore........maybe "normal " people do that naturally, and it simply took me the good share of a lifetime to figure out that barriers and boundaries are necessary.

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One of the blogs in the list to the right is written by a Lutheran pastor who wrestles with depression, I Trust When Dark My Road. He blogs anonymously, so I have no idea who he is or where he lives, and I have no idea if he ever visits my blog. Its courageous of him to do a blog on depression, especially since he's an LCMS pastor, part of a denomination which has historically sort of looked the other way concerning the subject of mental illness. Ach! Good solid Lutherans who trust in Gott won't get depressed!!

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Most likely, "normal" people in society have always feared the "crazy" ones. Fear of the the odd and the unknown prevailed. Things have improved much over time, as knowledge increased about the true nature of mental disorders........that they have a physical origin. Gosh, certain theologies must have had to scramble to change their view that depression results from the sin of not having enough faith and trust.

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Occasionally, I leave a comment on the above-mentioned blog, whose author refers to himself as "DMR" (for Dark My Road). I think of him as "Deemer". He probably doesn't care for what I say in the comments; I'm not in favor of taking medications, and he believes otherwise, and that's OK. Also, I don't mention God, or the Cross, or the Bible very often, for I worry about coming across as smug, which Christians often do, especially Lutherans, in my opinion. Each person's journey with depression is unique. Do I believe God has helped me.......yes, of course! God, who sets our path through life, brought the depression into my life in the first place, for some reason which ultimately has a useful purpose. I have learned much about myself and others through my experiences; I wouldn't want to be without that knowledge now.

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I believe Deemer is in the process of writing a book about his experiences as a depressive pastor........good for him! I will hope to read it. He has also stopped taking meds, and I pray the best for him in that area, too.

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Fields can have depressions.......did you know that? A few evenings ago, shortly after a rain, I took a walk down to the "crick" that runs through our farm. The "crick" is basically a man-made drainage ditch, providing a place for water to travel through the fields in a contained manner, preventing soil erosion. Sometimes, the rain comes so hard and fast that gullies are formed in the fields, anyway, which you can see in the photo below:

Water will simply always find a way to flow from the higher areas to the lower.......to the depressions in the fields.

The water flows relentlessly to the depressions, filling them up, then must find a way to move onward, eventually leaving the depressed place empty. Below, you can see that water has broken through and formed a channel from the field depression into the drainage ditch. Once the depression is free of the excess water, it can dry up and be a productive part of the field again.

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It may sound corny, but this blog is my channel to release excess thoughts that build up in my mind, helping me to maintain normal everyday mind functioning. I would much rather do this than take medications.......I was put on meds at the hospital, but it was intolerable-----I felt off-balance in body and mind-----and stopped taking them shortly after I got home.

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Blogging is my way of digging a channel for excess mind activity to flow through. Lots of walking, also, helps keep the feel-good chemicals flowing in the brain. Adequate sleep is crucial for me, too, as well as plenty of solitude. Perhaps if I took meds, it would eliminate the need to blog, or walk, or spend time alone, or get enough sleep........but, that's not a trade-off I'm interested in. I need to be myself, and live what I am.........what God has created me to be.........a depressive.

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Does blogging provide a therapeutic haven for other depressives? Writing in general can serve that purpose, perhaps, but not many of us will ever get a book published. Blogging may be the next best thing. Depressives could do worse things than blog; that I do know for a fact!!

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I'm certainly not fishing for anyone to 'fess up in the comments section.......the subject of depression was on my mind, that's all.