Holly Hobbie

This is a pathetic sign that I have a serious case of winteritis........I actually took a photo of this old embroidered Holly Hobbie picture which hangs forlornly in a murky hallway in my house. It hangs in the dark these days, because for too many years it hung in a sunny spot and became faded.

One winter during high school, I worked determinedly on this embroidery project, even figuring out how to make French knots, which seemed rather complicated to me at the time.

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Holly Hobbie designs were popular back then, in the 70's........showing up on decorative dishes, on wall plaques, in prints on fabrics and towels, and as dolls. I recall sewing several silly smock tops to wear to school which featured Holly Hobbie prints. Back in those years, I sewed my head off, and its difficult for me now to comprehend that fact, as sewing is not something I do anymore, except for occasional mending.

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I may go insane soon.......the cold and ice seems to be pressing my mood ever downward. I miss walking outdoors in WARM sunshine. We never go anywhere except for basketball games and church, both occasions of sitting woodenly and staring forward. My husband is a wonderful, handsome fellow, but a complete work-a-holic. My house is overflowing with 30 years' accumulation of stuff; at times I feel ready to watch it all burn. Oh, I know......don't tempt fate. If I really am bi-polar, then its down the slippery slope I go for awhile.......BUT, then again, here comes blogging to the rescue........it gives me a foothold to use to climb upwards again.

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I wish I were as articulate as Ruth in this recent insightful post on her blog, Ruth's Visions & Revisions. I can identify with much of what she says in that post. How her mother confided in her too much......yes, my mother did that with me when I was a kid. She unloaded her cares on me---her oldest child---concerning her distress over my alcoholic father, who blamed all his problems on other people, her especially. (Yeah.....an alcoholic Baptist......that's a good one!) And, my mom, being her co-dependent self, enabled him in his crappy behavior which kept our family in turmoil. Oh, but don't you dare ever say anything to anyone. No, sirree......you put on a false front and act happy, by golly. Years later, lo and behold, he blamed everything on me. Haha, big joke.

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When you're growing up in a certain situation, you don't know that it might be abnormal......because its just normal to you at the time. When you're a kid, your world is so narrow, and you look up to your parents as role models. You observe how your parents behave.....you take it all in for years and years, and it has its effect on you, and you deal with that the rest of your life, and hardly anyone understands.

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OK......big whoop......that's my exciting post for today. Don't worry, I'm fine, really......really I am. There's so much to be thankful for; I should be ashamed of myself for the above thoughts. Forgive me, for I know there are multitudes of people out there in situations far worse than mine. Please, hurry on to another more cheerful blog from the list on the sidebar. -->-->-->-->

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Which leads me to say.......please don't ever feel obligated to read my blog, or leave a comment. I'm happy to have readers, of course, but it doesn't adversely affect my outlook if no one reads or comments. So, don't feel obligated.......I would never want anyone to feel that way. For me, getting a post written and published is an upper.......giving me wings for a while.

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Have a good day! Think of and pray for the sick and the grieving, including Coleman Larson's family.

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Learning To Fly

Hey, to any bi-polar peeps out there.............go listen to "Learning To Fly" by Tom Petty. Its the third song on the Playlist at the bottom of this blog. I'm really slow at finding songs that speak to me........I suppose this one's been around for years and I never knew it.

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Have a great day! I'm looking ahead, steeling myself and pulling myself together ahead of time, to survive upcoming events. I don't expect many to understand. And, I know the best advice would be "take one day at a time".

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P.S. - This lyrics of this song seem to decribe two aspects of depression in my own life:

"Learning to fly", that is, learning to keep your mood up........"learning to fly around the clouds". However, there also is the problem of being able to land safely......."coming down is the hardest thing". After your mood is high for awhile, which sometimes it needs to be, then it must come down again, and it can go down too far if you're not careful. BALANCE is what its all about.......and the correct amount of acceleration, braking, coasting......oh, my goodness, now it sounds more like bicycling!! And, you don't need wings for that!

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Sorry to be sort of thinking out loud here on the blog.......the imagery that this song evokes is helpful to me, believe it or not.

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I have no idea if this is what the writer of the song had in mind, but its what I hear in it.

Wanted: Time Alone

Here's a killdeer photo for no reason other than that we two crossed paths just a few minutes ago out on the road. He or she scolded me in that trademark high-pitched squeaky squawk that killdeer are known for. Apparently, I was venturing too close to a nest of young'uns.

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On Saturday I was a passenger for several hours in someone else's vehicle, because we were moving my son's fiancee's furniture to the house they've just purchased in anticipation of their upcoming August wedding. The moving went smoothly; a large U-Haul truck was used, and we had plenty of helpers to do the heavy lifting. The couple is not living together, but they thought it a good idea to get the furniture moved to the house so the groom-to-be would be more comfortable living there. I'm relieved he's out of the sketchy apartment he was living in.........mothers tend to worry about such things, you know.

The newly-purchased house is near the Quad-Cities, about 150 miles from here. My son's fiancee's father was planning to drive the U-Haul truck and he wished to avoid the heavy semi traffic of I-80, so we took Hwy.20 to near Dubuque and then by-passed on county roads to catch Hwy. 61 heading south toward Davenport. What a very nice, scenic drive it was!! I will probably never take I-80 to the Quad-Cities again, for this other way is much less stressful, and the route goes past many dairy farms, plus interesting places like New Melleray Abbey and the Hurstville Lime Kilns, both places I would like to stop and visit someday.

At any rate, I'm not used to being a passenger, and there I was a captive in someone else's van for several hours, but the scenery and conversation were very pleasant. During quiet times, I read the Saturday newspaper which we had grabbed out of the mailbox when we left. Normally, I don't read the "Ask Amy" advice column, but did so this time and was intrigued by the first letter of the day's column, from a wife concerned about her depressive husband's desire to be alone for awhile.

As a depressive myself, I can definitely empathize with the husband's plight.......more so than the wife's. There have been many, many times in my years of marriage and childrearing that I so desperately wished to be alone for a few days. And, of course, that was always completely out of the question, and how terrible of me to even consider such a thing. There must surely be a pill for a problem like that.....right? Depressives, and maybe even nondepressives, DO need time alone occasionally, and its too bad that so often their spouses have no comprehension of that.

This morning at our church, there was a young father and his two children at the service........they had been visiting his parents here in our area for several days. He grew up in our church, but now lives in a city farther away. His vehicle happened to be parked next to ours, and after the church service he was buckling his kids into carseats as I was walking by. I said to him, "Do you mean to tell me that you are actually giving your wife some days to herself......some time of peace and quiet?" (She's a stay-at-home mom.) He nodded and replied, "Yes........she puts up with me going to night classes, so she deserves some time to herself, and I wish I could do it more often."

Wow! That about blew me away. How refreshing to meet a husband with such an attitude, and it helps to restore my hope and confidence in the younger generation!

Depression Observations

Depressing weather brings thoughts of......what else.......depression!!

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Two years ago, I was diagnosed Bi-polar/Type 2 following an episode which I suppose in former times would have been termed a "nervous breakdown." I spent several days in a hospital psychiatric unit. After talks with the psychiatrist, and analyzing memories of past bad spells in my life, I realized I'd probably been struggling with this type of depression for many years. I hadn't known enough to take the problem to the doctor. When I would reach a point of collapse, my mom would come over and help with the kids for a few days, and I rested. Probably, rest was mainly what was needed, anyway, for I felt just totally depleted and drained during those times. In the hospital, I recall feeling like a deflated balloon.......flattened, like roadkill, or that "Flat Stanley" or whatever his name is who gets sent around the world by schoolchildren.

Once in a while, when I was a kid, I'd hear my mom mention in hushed tones that so-and-so had had a "nervous breakdown". I'd envision the person lying collapsed on the floor, quivering; I couldn't imagine what else a "nervous breakdown" could possibly be like.

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My parents would also speak of people being taken to the "Silo", that term being a corrupted form of the word "Asylum", which in our area means the Mental Health Institute in Independence, Iowa. Its eerie, gothic buildings were built in the 1800's, and I imagine anyone who "went crazy" or had a mental episode back then was taken to that spooky place, sometimes staying indefinitely. It gives me chills to think about it........I could have ended up at the "Silo"!!

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Actually, my parents each had a sibling who spent time in the "Silo".......I recall those times from when I was a kid. Now, after my own experiences with mental problems, I feel these aunts of mine were probably bi-polar, but misdiagnosed as schizophrenic, and put on scads of medications for the rest of their lives. A major depressive episode can include delusions, which mine did.......and it doesn't necessarily mean there's schizophrenia going on.

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After much pondering, I also wonder if the ones who "go crazy" do so as a result of trying to deal with the "normal" people in our lives. Since my breakdown, there are certain people-----close family members, even------who I must avoid spending much time with. I can just feel something adverse happening in my mind when I'm around them. If the person is someone I can't get away from, then I must construct a barrier in my mind and ignore certains aspects of the person. And, no doubt, there are things about me that others must ignore........maybe "normal " people do that naturally, and it simply took me the good share of a lifetime to figure out that barriers and boundaries are necessary.

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One of the blogs in the list to the right is written by a Lutheran pastor who wrestles with depression, I Trust When Dark My Road. He blogs anonymously, so I have no idea who he is or where he lives, and I have no idea if he ever visits my blog. Its courageous of him to do a blog on depression, especially since he's an LCMS pastor, part of a denomination which has historically sort of looked the other way concerning the subject of mental illness. Ach! Good solid Lutherans who trust in Gott won't get depressed!!

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Most likely, "normal" people in society have always feared the "crazy" ones. Fear of the the odd and the unknown prevailed. Things have improved much over time, as knowledge increased about the true nature of mental disorders........that they have a physical origin. Gosh, certain theologies must have had to scramble to change their view that depression results from the sin of not having enough faith and trust.

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Occasionally, I leave a comment on the above-mentioned blog, whose author refers to himself as "DMR" (for Dark My Road). I think of him as "Deemer". He probably doesn't care for what I say in the comments; I'm not in favor of taking medications, and he believes otherwise, and that's OK. Also, I don't mention God, or the Cross, or the Bible very often, for I worry about coming across as smug, which Christians often do, especially Lutherans, in my opinion. Each person's journey with depression is unique. Do I believe God has helped me.......yes, of course! God, who sets our path through life, brought the depression into my life in the first place, for some reason which ultimately has a useful purpose. I have learned much about myself and others through my experiences; I wouldn't want to be without that knowledge now.

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I believe Deemer is in the process of writing a book about his experiences as a depressive pastor........good for him! I will hope to read it. He has also stopped taking meds, and I pray the best for him in that area, too.

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Fields can have depressions.......did you know that? A few evenings ago, shortly after a rain, I took a walk down to the "crick" that runs through our farm. The "crick" is basically a man-made drainage ditch, providing a place for water to travel through the fields in a contained manner, preventing soil erosion. Sometimes, the rain comes so hard and fast that gullies are formed in the fields, anyway, which you can see in the photo below:

Water will simply always find a way to flow from the higher areas to the lower.......to the depressions in the fields.

The water flows relentlessly to the depressions, filling them up, then must find a way to move onward, eventually leaving the depressed place empty. Below, you can see that water has broken through and formed a channel from the field depression into the drainage ditch. Once the depression is free of the excess water, it can dry up and be a productive part of the field again.

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It may sound corny, but this blog is my channel to release excess thoughts that build up in my mind, helping me to maintain normal everyday mind functioning. I would much rather do this than take medications.......I was put on meds at the hospital, but it was intolerable-----I felt off-balance in body and mind-----and stopped taking them shortly after I got home.

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Blogging is my way of digging a channel for excess mind activity to flow through. Lots of walking, also, helps keep the feel-good chemicals flowing in the brain. Adequate sleep is crucial for me, too, as well as plenty of solitude. Perhaps if I took meds, it would eliminate the need to blog, or walk, or spend time alone, or get enough sleep........but, that's not a trade-off I'm interested in. I need to be myself, and live what I am.........what God has created me to be.........a depressive.

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Does blogging provide a therapeutic haven for other depressives? Writing in general can serve that purpose, perhaps, but not many of us will ever get a book published. Blogging may be the next best thing. Depressives could do worse things than blog; that I do know for a fact!!

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I'm certainly not fishing for anyone to 'fess up in the comments section.......the subject of depression was on my mind, that's all.