“Aw, get outta here with any of them saddle ideas”, she snorts. “I ain’t the type to tolerate such a contraption……no sirree!”
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Have no fear, that’s just one of my neighbor’s Brown Swiss cows taking a glare at you. Behind her are cornfields to give you an idea of how they look right now. I finally took the camera along again this morning though I almost had to force myself to do it. Don’t know why, but am feeling very out-of-sorts this week. Walking, cooking, chores, are difficult.....heavy slow-motion is my speed these days. Mostly, I want to be down on the ground, in the dirt, pulling weeds, and I've done quite a bit of that the past few days. My sleeping is way off-kilter; due to churning thoughts I've been unable to fall asleep…..and after a few days of that one’s whole being is affected. Now, I feel as though I’m operating from inside a trance and though I feel only half-awake, the rather intriguing side-effect is that the world seems almost enchanted. Maybe this is the state of mind where fairy tales originated; maybe we should be thankful for insomnia once in awhile……or Once Upon A Time……
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Well, once upon a time in an ancient myth, the goddess Venus was grieving the death of her beloved Adonis and wherever her teardrops fell, Anemones sprang up. And, by Jove or Zeus, it looks like she must have shed some tears in our roadside ditch…..
Anemones are members of the Buttercup family. Yes, I believe I see the resemblance…….
This is the absolute truth……I had never seen this boundary sign before today, so it must be newly-installed. I had to stare at for a few moments to figure out what it is demarcating……possibly the line between two townships. Usually that falls along a road, but not in this case, due to a creek being where a road would have been built in the traditional one-square-mile grid pattern.
As I type this, my son is cutting hay in the field near the house. The noise adds to my discontent and seems to scream: “Get moving and do some actual work, Lazy Woman!”
So I will try to rouse my acedic self and get some small thing accomplished. In Acedia and Me, Kathleen Norris states, …..when life becomes too challenging and engagement with others too demanding, acedia offers a kind of spiritual morphine. Yes, that may aptly describe how I feel right now. It is not something that anyone in my household understands, though, so I’m on my own……and mostly have to fake being enthusiastic about anything. I don’t expect anyone to understand…..the reality is we are each on our own path in life. You do what you can and you do what you must.
I’m ok, really……not contemplating anything rash, but am trying to glean whatever it is I’m supposed to learn from this experience. Kathleen Norris offers an ultimately encouraging quote from an ancient monk, Evagrius Ponticus, who calls acedia a demon. [Acedia] instills in the heart of the monk a hatred for the place, a hatred for his very life itself, a hatred for manual labor. [Acedia] leads him to believe that charity has departed from the brethren, that there is no one to give encouragement. [Acedia] brings before the mind’s eye the toil of the ascetic struggle and as the saying has it, leaves no stone unturned to induce the monk to forsake his cell and drop out of the fight. No other demon follows close upon the heels of this one (when he is defeated) but only a state of deep peace and inexpressible joy arise out of this struggle.
Maybe we moderns might call it “being burned out”. Anxiety is part of my problem right now, I’m quite sure of that. My daughter will be flying to Germany this weekend and she is VERY nervous and that is making me nervous. And, I just heard the unwelcome news that a Brazil-to-Paris flight crashed into the Atlantic yesterday, with over 200 souls on board. Why do I even check the news……that is a valid question. We’re better off not knowing certain things.
I know, I know……turn all anxieties over to prayer. That’s what I’m trying to do…..but…..acedia/torpor/sloth is also known as one of The Five Hindrances to Prayer. Golly…..did you know there was such an official list like that?? I didn’t. My goodness, what a person doesn’t learn from writing blogposts.
God’s blessings to you and thank you for all thoughts, prayers, and comments.
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18 comments:
Some very lovely pictures, with some great insight and comments! Thanks for sharing!
Moooo!
Hello, I came to "visit" you from Sky Watch a few weeks back and loved your blog so much, both words and pictures, that I'm here again. I'm sorry that you're feeling a slump both physical and mental - at least you're aware of how you feel. I think that's important. Safe trip to your daughter. I'll be thinking of you...
I think I have been in that slump as well. I have to force myself to even think some days. I'm trying to dig out though. Take care of yourself and you daughter will be just fine. I just know it.
"It is not something that anyone in my household understands, though, so I’m on my own.."
No, not on your own. Your post will hit home with too many of us. Thanks for sharing the pictures. That cow face is too pretty. And the thought of Venus crying in a ditch? Well, guess she suffered as all of us do at times.
Fine post. Feel better.
Maybe the loss of rest is making you see with a new eye.
Your daughter will be fine!
Rest when you need to, not when the schedule says.
The pictures are great.
I think we all get that way at times, Jeannelle. And sleep deprivation can definitely have a "trance-like effect".
I can understand your anxiety over your daughter's travels and wish her a fun journey. I'd be nervous traveling, too. Traveling just makes me that way!
You sure had a lot to talk about in this post, Jeannelle, but I'll just choose two things:
Gail is right. Rest when you need to. Your body is talking to you.
Is this your daughter's first overseas trip? Of course she's nervous; but she'll come back a wiser, more confident young woman. Believe it or not, I've known parents who wouldn't allow their child to do what your daughter is doing.
It is SO hard to let the babies leave the nest! You want to flop your wings and run back and forth and cry! You can't relax or rest because someone who started life under your heart is stepping so far away that you can't protect them.
Glad you took some time to walk along the ditch and share the flowers with us. Very best wishes to you and your family.
Jeanelle, I think Country Girl said what I also mean to say - that many of us get like that from time to time - I'm feeling out of sorts, too, lately, like I'm not accomplishing things that I'd like to, and though there is lots of farm related stuff to do, and I do lots of it, my day is so broken up that "my" stuff still sits. Still let's be thankful for our health, and healthy happy families, and know that we do our best.
Wishing your daughter a safe and fun trip. (I went to Europe with my friend at 17, for 7 weeks, and found out years later, that my mother was quite worried for us, although we were with relatives of one or the other of us the whole time.) Grace and Peace to you. Dairymary
I'm 53...facing Chemo....I understand
i never knew others feel as i do sometimes and i sure did not know it had a name... Hugs and prayers
I'm a bit behind with reading your blog Janelle. The iris photos were lovely, they are such beautiful flowers.
It's easy to stumble into the ditch of feeling down and not so easy to jump out of it...
Rest. Don't worry about your daughter (yes, I know, easier said than done) she will be fine.
Ms Soup
I think that cow picture should be titled, "So much pasture...so little time."
Jeannelle, we are sending good thoughts your way and hoping you will be back to your "old self" again soon. In the meantime, you produced a wonderful post.
I'm glad you're back to blogging. I can also relate to how you're feeling. Those anxieties can really build up and wreak all kinds of havoc. I fall asleep fine, but wake up in the middle of the night, sometimes courtesy of the dog or snoring and can't get back to sleep. Then those thoughts start coming and.....you know the rest. I'm all in favor of turning anxieties over to prayer, but there comes a time when that's not enough and it may be time to see the doctor. Continued loss of sleep isn't something to mess with. I'll be praying for you.
It must be something in the air - everyone I know is suffering from a kind of torpor in varying degrees. Lets hope it passes soon.
I came to your blog through Sempringham, and have been enjoying it very much.
Your daughter will have a wonderful time. It's not all that easy to let go thought, is it?
Thanks for your honesty.
Hi,
I'm sure you're very used to the landscape, but I have to tell you how peaceful and beautiful your property looks from my perspective (a NY suburb). Love the picture of the cow with the rolling hills in back. Best Wishes!
Will be keeping your daughter and you in my thoughts and prayers.
Thanks for the quotes from the Kathleen Norris book; I need to read that, I believe.
I hope you get some solid shut-eye soon. Not sleeping well is a big, big drag on physical and mental well being. Been there, done that!
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