Lessons For Fred

Look at the sight that greeted my eyes when I tried to mail a letter the other day. More risky smooching! The mailman could have reached in and grabbed Fred and Bessie and whisked them off to Canton, China, or Walla Walla, or Timbuktu, or even What Cheer, Iowa! Enough is enough, I say!

A phone call to the Smoochers Anonymous Hotline provided helpful information about a women’s symposium scheduled for this weekend, at a conference center somewhere down the road. You better believe I sent Bessie packing, unmoved as I was by her dramatic display of sobbing and sniffling. Too bad. Tough love is what she needs. Buster wasn’t exactly moved, either.

Meanwhile, I made arrangements for Fred to spend time with an adventurous guy named Kendall who gives lessons in male bonding. The training is a bit costly, but hopefully will be worth it. Fred and Bessie simply MUST learn to do something other than smooch!!

The price included Kendall coming right here to our farm to give the bonding lessons. Isn’t that handy! At first I was taken aback by his formal attire and shoe-less feet, but it was obvious from the get-go that Kendall is a man accustomed to operating on the edge, tuxedo and all. Hopefully, Fred’s experiences with Kendall will resonate in such a way that Fred will grow by leaps and bounds, embracing the realization that his own penchant for smooching in precarious places causes anxiety for Bessie and is detrimental to her self-esteem.

Whoa! Kendall got right down to business! This frightening experience in the car should surely prompt Fred to do some deep soul-searching! Don’t you agree? (Kendall assured me that a percentage of this initial session’s fee goes to Sasquatch the Cat.)

Kendall was ecstatic to see so many trees on our farm. His second session involved the trainee---Fred, in this case---being encouraged to climb as high as possible, then close his eyes and depend on Kendall to provide a safe way down. Its all about trust and empathy. If all goes as planned, Fred will learn what its like to be forced to depend on someone else, and thus be more empathetic to Bessie’s plight when he lures her to dangerous places for smooching.

The giddily spinning wheels of the hay rake provided yet another opportunity for a breathtakingly risky learning experience. Fred clung to the tines for dear life while Kendall, being quite talented and coordinated, was able to utilize his arms for balancing. And, in fact, this lesson was all about learning to maintain balance in life.

Kendall required Fred to climb the elevator, too……right on the edge, no less. Fred took it like a man, appearing completely nonplussed. This lesson was about poise. At one point, Kendall spotted my husband out in the field and gave a hearty wave. What a refreshingly friendly guy!

Last, but not least, Kendall and Fred spent time swinging to and fro in the pockets of Husband’s chore jeans drying in the breeze on the clothesline. Actually, I thought this particular lesson appeared to be more about fun than anything else. I suppose Kendall feels obligated to include a little bit of that sort of thing in his sessions, otherwise the trainees might become grumpy and difficult to manage.

Let’s hope this male bonding training will prove beneficial to Fred, and ultimately to Bessie, too. Kendall came across as a very pleasant guy, well-dressed and coiffed, with an ever-present smile on his face. Normally, I’d be suspicious of a guy with a constant smile pasted on his face, but in Kendall’s case, the happy expression seemed truly sincere. When the training was finished, as he was preparing to leave, I asked Kendall about his formal attire....and his bare feet. He shrugged and told me sheepishly that he wears the tuxedo because he has NO other clothes, and unfortunately his shoes went missing many years ago. Can you imagine that!? My goodness. I then handed Kendall his check and he went on his way.....hopefully straight to a mens' clothing store.

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I do hope Bessie is absorbing helpful insights at the women’s symposium. We’ll find out soon enough.

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